The weight loss industry is big business....billions of dollars are made by selling people "the next great diet idea". Since I personally would like to have billions of dollars...I've decided to develop my own diet program and make a bunch of cash. So if you'll just give me a minute of your time (and $24.99 + shipping and handling)....I will give you the GREATEST WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM ever invented.
And here's how it works.......
Now remember to start small. You don't want to over do it the first day. So before you can eat any of these....
You have to stand up, spin around 3 time, jump in the air, and shout really loudly "I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE EATING THESE" . This rule has to be followed even if you're in a crowded restaurant or sitting in the break room at work.
Now you're at home...making lunches for the kiddies and you see these golden nuggets of delight. You say to yourself "just one won't hurt...I'll skip lunch" Go ahead and snarf one down...but before you do. You must vow that on your next trip to the grocery store...you will wear a thong.........................on your head.
Yummo....the dreaded mashed potatoes. (one of my personal favorites) You want a big heaping bowl of these bad boys don't ya? Well you can eat all of these that your little heart desires....but first you have to follow the Potato rule. You have to call someone you don't like....and have a 10 minute conversation about your menstrual cycle.
Rule #72B: DON'T EAT THIS....ARE YOU CRAZY...THIS STUFF WILL KILL YOU!
CHOCOLATE......oh my sweet generous friend...oh giver of life, liberty and supreme happiness....oh chocolate how I love thee.... The chocolate rule goes as follows: Every time you even think about eating something made of chocolate. You have to drive to your ex-husband or ex-boyfriends house, wearing spandex, knock on his door, and say "do I look fat eating this?"
When you order one of these.....You have to ask them if they also sell the latest issue of "PLAYGIRL Magazine". Because you want to "read the articles".
And you can eat all of these that you want.....but why would you want to?
Are you thinking about a little Ice Cream indulgence. Alright! DO it girl friend...but the Ice Cream rule is that you have to go to the mall, shop all day with visible pantie lines , a scrunchy, and poofy bangs.
Cheese cake will cost you the following: You have to stand in the middle of the School bus stop...right before the bus comes to take the kiddies home.....and loudly sing the "Barney Song" to all the waiting kids and moms.
Looks pretty tasty huh? Go ahead and take your pick. In fact, take one of each. But for each sweet treat you eat you have to follow the Bakery rule: Take a picture of your butt...enlarge the photo to poster size. And leave it hanging on your front door for a week.
So the next time you think about stuffing your face..... Just remember the rules!
And just in case you are doubting the effectiveness of this WONDER diet. Let's hear from one of my satisfied customers:
Hi my name is Yolanda and I tried "Nikkicrumpet's Red Face Diet" to embarrass your fat away in 90 days or less. And let me tell you that it worked like a charm. I lost 137 pounds in just 3
decades days. That's right...no kidding...I wouldn't lie to you just because she paid me I'm an honest person. I went from looking like this......
And now I'm married to a very rich man who buys me lots of stuff, I am smarter, and my leg hair no longer grows.... All because of Nikkicrumpet! Who I think is the most amazingly talented and all around cool person I have ever met. Buy her diet...you'll be glad you did!
So there you have it. Proof positive that this diet works! Who needs independent lab studies when you have Yolanda! So send me a check for the low low price of $24.99 + shipping and handling for your copy today! Don't delay because we can't keep the prices this low forever. Especially not with the democrats taking over the white house.
Important: All claims made by the author of this diet are not in any way to be taken seriously by people with no sense of humor, erratic religious beliefs, or reoccurring cold sores. Do not implement this diet without written consent which can be purchased for an additional fee between the hours of yesterday and next Thursday. The responsibility of any weight gain or loss is the fault here to fore of the last person to pet your neighbors dog named Eileen. Do not try this at home unless you're wearing sparkly underwear and can touch your nose with someone else's tongue. All written guarantees are invalid if you breathe in and out.