Thursday, January 1, 2009

*** THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS ***

Here we are....2009...a bright shiny new year. The time of year when everyone starts making their New Year's Resolutions. And what generally tops most peoples list as the number 1 thing they're going to do?.....Yup... LOSE WEIGHT.


The weight loss industry is big business....billions of dollars are made by selling people "the next great diet idea". Since I personally would like to have billions of dollars...I've decided to develop my own diet program and make a bunch of cash. So if you'll just give me a minute of your time (and $24.99 + shipping and handling)....I will give you the GREATEST WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM ever invented.

It's called............






And here's how it works.......

Now remember to start small. You don't want to over do it the first day. So before you can eat any of these....

You have to stand up, spin around 3 time, jump in the air, and shout really loudly "I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE EATING THESE" . This rule has to be followed even if you're in a crowded restaurant or sitting in the break room at work.

Now you're at home...making lunches for the kiddies and you see these golden nuggets of delight. You say to yourself "just one won't hurt...I'll skip lunch" Go ahead and snarf one down...but before you do. You must vow that on your next trip to the grocery store...you will wear a thong.........................on your head.


Yummo....the dreaded mashed potatoes. (one of my personal favorites) You want a big heaping bowl of these bad boys don't ya? Well you can eat all of these that your little heart desires....but first you have to follow the Potato rule. You have to call someone you don't like....and have a 10 minute conversation about your menstrual cycle.


Rule #72B: DON'T EAT THIS....ARE YOU CRAZY...THIS STUFF WILL KILL YOU!


CHOCOLATE......oh my sweet generous friend...oh giver of life, liberty and supreme happiness....oh chocolate how I love thee.... The chocolate rule goes as follows: Every time you even think about eating something made of chocolate. You have to drive to your ex-husband or ex-boyfriends house, wearing spandex, knock on his door, and say "do I look fat eating this?"



When you order one of these.....You have to ask them if they also sell the latest issue of "PLAYGIRL Magazine". Because you want to "read the articles".


Pizza.....There is no rule against pizza....that would just be cruel...go ahead and eat it....I know I'm going to!




And you can eat all of these that you want.....but why would you want to?



Are you thinking about a little Ice Cream indulgence. Alright! DO it girl friend...but the Ice Cream rule is that you have to go to the mall, shop all day with visible pantie lines , a scrunchy, and poofy bangs.

Cheese cake will cost you the following: You have to stand in the middle of the School bus stop...right before the bus comes to take the kiddies home.....and loudly sing the "Barney Song" to all the waiting kids and moms.


Looks pretty tasty huh? Go ahead and take your pick. In fact, take one of each. But for each sweet treat you eat you have to follow the Bakery rule: Take a picture of your butt...enlarge the photo to poster size. And leave it hanging on your front door for a week.



So the next time you think about stuffing your face..... Just remember the rules!
And just in case you are doubting the effectiveness of this WONDER diet. Let's hear from one of my satisfied customers:

Hi my name is Yolanda and I tried "Nikkicrumpet's Red Face Diet" to embarrass your fat away in 90 days or less. And let me tell you that it worked like a charm. I lost 137 pounds in just 3 decades days. That's right...no kidding...I wouldn't lie to you just because she paid me I'm an honest person. I went from looking like this......

To this.......

And now I'm married to a very rich man who buys me lots of stuff, I am smarter, and my leg hair no longer grows.... All because of Nikkicrumpet! Who I think is the most amazingly talented and all around cool person I have ever met. Buy her diet...you'll be glad you did!

So there you have it. Proof positive that this diet works! Who needs independent lab studies when you have Yolanda! So send me a check for the low low price of $24.99 + shipping and handling for your copy today! Don't delay because we can't keep the prices this low forever. Especially not with the democrats taking over the white house.

Important: All claims made by the author of this diet are not in any way to be taken seriously by people with no sense of humor, erratic religious beliefs, or reoccurring cold sores. Do not implement this diet without written consent which can be purchased for an additional fee between the hours of yesterday and next Thursday. The responsibility of any weight gain or loss is the fault here to fore of the last person to pet your neighbors dog named Eileen. Do not try this at home unless you're wearing sparkly underwear and can touch your nose with someone else's tongue. All written guarantees are invalid if you breathe in and out.

152 comments:

Annie Valentine said...

What about salami? I eat that like it's going out of style (which it kind of is).

onlymehere said...

Wow this is one strict diet! I think it's unfair to pick on Twinkies though, they're our livelihood and if people don't eat them we don't eat...period! How about changing it to a Little Debbie's product? LOL! If I can eat all the pizza I want though then this diet will work for me! Menopause took away my desire for chocolate but not my fat, so unfair.

nikkicrumpet said...

Oh you are in big trouble Annie...for Salami you have to tie a ribbon around it and wear it as an accessory to church!

Loving Annie said...

Good Thursday morning to you, Nikki :)

The diet DEFINITELY works !
I lost 30 pounds in 3 months by eating clean.
6 small meals a day, maybe 200 calories each...
Protein shakes, chopped vegetable salad with a citrus vinegar, oatmeal from scratch with a 1/4 cup of fruit, 2 tablespoons of peanut butter for 'fat' - and lots of water to drink...

And then ONCE a week I have a cheat meal, and eat anything I like at that meal.

And this weight loss came at age 50, when my metabolism should have been slowing down :)

So, try what Yolanda is offering !

Hope that you have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Genuinely,
Loving Annie

http://www.truetraveltreasures.blogspot.com

Lisa Loo said...

Ahhh--this would explain so much about my neighbor....


I'll have to come back when I can stop laughing--you kill me--no really...

imjacobsmom said...

I've had a hysterectomy so the mashed potato rule doesn't apply to me - I'm safe! BTW, the best mashed potatoes are at Chili's when you order them loaded -(and with the chicken crispers on the side). ~ Robyn

salmagundi said...

I would follow you to the end of the earth if I thought even this diet might work. At age 70, I have absolutely no metabolism left!! It's gone - no hope!! Take care, Sally

Neabear said...

hahahahahahahahaha!!!! Too funny! Can I add a bag of M&M's to that? Oh no scratch that idea, you will probably give me some other incredibly embarrassing thing to do. Happy New Year and good luck to everyone trying to lose weight. I don't know whether to join in or give up. :-)

Terrie's Lil' Piece of Serenity said...

OMG!! You should see the mash potatoes that I just ate a hour a go. I'd show them to you. But, they disappeared. Where do you think they went??? Hugs, Terrie

My dh thinks they went to my thighs!!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

NO WAY! Not giving up my mashed potatoes. I'll take 'em to the grave with me along with the gravy they come with!

amelia bedelia said...

Where do I send the check!! I'm in! And where in the hell did you get my picture? Damn, Jill....how much did you pay her?!

Lilly's Life said...

He He - you convinced me because this is the only way I'd stay on a diet. My issue is sweet things - sugar. The cheque is in the mail. Love you and this blog!!!!! Great start to the New Year - we all need but one resolution - LAUGH MORE.

Dayna said...

Hahahah! AGAIN, thanks for making my day. I'm sooo thankful for your advice ! Have a WONDERFUL New years my friend!

Yaya said...

Wow! I think your weight loss program worked! I just laughed off 500 calories!!!

You are hilarious!

Hahahaha...........erratic religious beliefs......

I freaking love it!

Hula's Secret Blog said...

Ok, what about my love for tostitos w/ salsa and sour cream?? Please! I need to stop eating this!!!

KC Mom said...

Shut up!! I think I've finally found the diet that will work for me!! I'm sure you'll be on the best sellers list very soon.
Can I just pay you to come to my house and humiliate me personally?

nikkicrumpet said...

Poor Hula...Tostitos are very addictive and require that we bring out the BIG GUNS. For every tostito you want to eat...you have to knock on a neighbor's door and ask to see their husband naked. If you have really hot neighbors then you're doomed!

JANE said...

ROFL..............eyes watering.............snorting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nnairda's said...

Absolutely hilarious!!!! I followed you you from Deb's blog.

Adriann

jill jill bo bill said...

Send me the book in exchange for the pix of Amy. And I do most of those things anyway. Must be why I weigh 65 pounds. HILARIOUS post, Nikorette.

Orr's said...

All I remember is I can have all the pizza I want. My check is in the mail

Sandy Toes said...

OH MY WORD..you are too much! How funny..I love it...I love it!! Perfect diet indeed!
That before picture was a little TOO TOO MUCH!
-sandy toes

Amy said...

You are AWESOME!! Happy New Year :D

John Deere Mom said...

Okay...the thong picture was enough to make me slide the Chex Mix away. Thank you very much.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh honey, don't tease an Irish girl like that! I could have "motorboated' those potatoes!

Here to being fit and healthy in 2009!

Stay Funny, girl.

Peace - Rene

Diane said...

OMG, you are just the best! This is tooo funny, but I really need those mashed potatoes. Can't we make an exception? And what about cookies. I thought all cookies had zero calories, that's why I'm so addicted to them! ☺ Diane

ps I was dying for a sweetie last night. I nuked a small sweet potato, peeled it when it was cool, then sliced and sprinkled with a little sugar. It was delicious!

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

YOU-ARE-A-RIOT! I LOVE THIS IDEA AND I AM SO LINKING IT! GREAT JOB! AND GREAT IDEA!
Checks in the mail!

tammy said...

This one might just actually work for me. I'm gonna have to get a new ex-boyfriend first so I don't have to keep flying to UT everytime I eat chocolate. Permission to get one local?

tammy said...

You are hilarious.

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Check out my blog..a couple of pictures for ya...and some linky love! ♥

Mary Moore said...

I am SO going to try out your diet! It was made for me!!

Mrs. S said...

umm. is it bad this made me hungry?? esp those brownies. Good grief! hahahaha

Happy new year!

Smilingsal said...

lol My check is in the mail!

Bobbi Jo said...

Nikki,
I love all the suggestions and I am seriously thinking of how to raise that $24.99 + fast.
And where in the world did you find my vacation picture on the yacht at? Oh my I am a little embarrassed.
Hugs, Bobbi Jo

Lynette said...

O....M....G!!!!!!


Happy New Year Nikki - only you!!

Justine said...

O...M...G...! As if the post itself wasn't funny enough, the disclaimer at the bottom was just over the top hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you think up this shit? Have you ever had a brain scan? Mind probe? Colonoscopy perhaps?

Justine :o )

meg said...

You slay me!
Thanks for the giggles (worth at least 25 calories burned, right?)

Pedaling said...

my check is in the mail.

~♥~ Monica S said...

I just agree with Justine :-) hahaha!

Monica

Michelle said...

Don't forget about all of us when you get rich off this one? :)

Shannon said...

genoius, I'm telling ya, genious!

Bridget said...

I want to sign up to produce your first infomercial! I can tell this diet is going to work for me but couldn't you have allowed the chocolate instead of the pizza?
You are one crazy future billionaire.

Rue said...

hahahahahaha..... Holy smokes Nikki!! You are too funny. Where do you come up with this stuff and why do you have a picture of me bending over??? LOLOLOLOL

Happy New Year sweet friend!!

xoxo,
rue

Sara's Sweet Surprise said...

I just had to visit the blog that's caused such a commotin in blogland today and now I know why!!! LOL!!
Have you notice the first three letters in the word *DIET*. Need I say anymore.

S- some
P- parts
A-are
M- meat

Sweet low-cal Wishes,
Sara

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That is an awesome diet. And for the love of God, I have been walking around with panty lines all the time in public waiting (WAITING) for them to become fashionable so that I can say I was doing it first! I mean, they starting showing bra straps years ago, when is it going to be the panty-lines' turn? Who doesn't want to see Nanny Goats in Panty Lines?

Heather said...

bwhahahaha!! I think if everyone had a picture of their backside bending over, we would all be more aware of what goes in our mouths.

cedwards55 said...

I just broke into John's bank to get the $24.99. It's on the way. Which ex-husband do I have to go visit? It might be worth it. Seriously, Gollum is swearing by some diet salad dressing. Of course that would mean lettuce wouldn't it? I'll just stay with my best friend Cheesecake, thank you very much!!!!!

Lola Enchanted said...

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!! I am literally laughing my butt off! Hey, add that to your diet!! You are hilarious! I LOVE it!!!!!!!
You rock!


Happy New Year!!!!!*

Deb said...

Nikki!!!! LOL!!!!!!! Heck I'll just take a picture of Yolanda and tape it to the fridge. (Was that mean)? Sorry if it was! Hope she's not one of your relatives or friends lol!!!

All written guarantees are invalid if you breathe in and out. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki! You have truly GONE WILD! Deb

Laura said...

I think I've already done the Ice Cream Rule and didn't realize it was a rule, so I guess that means I can go have a big bowl of it tonight!

Scooterblu's Whimsy~Rhonda said...

And here I thought we were friends, ....and yet you go and post my picture as the before pic...Yolanda is just my alias! How could you??? LOL! I only wish I were kidding! LOL! This post was too funny! I will CONSIDER doing some of these things, and maybe the thoughts alone will have some much needed success! :)

Wishing you many blessings in the coming New Year! ~hugs, Rhonda :)

Lisa Baldwin said...

Such a funny post!

Jenners said...

Do you accept PayPal?

Carolynn said...

Sadly, it takes a lot more than that to embarrass me. So, I'll just go finish my bag of Cheesies. :o))

jori-o said...

You must have some customers in Vegas. I saw somebody "paying" for their ice cream yesterday. No really.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Brilliant!!

$10 Oprah will be calling soon.

Excuse me now, I have to go find the monitor wipes since I licked that shot of the potatoes and gravy.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Gravy.

Becky said...

GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN....a diet with TWINKIES!!! YIPPIE YI YO!!! That's gonna be quite tasty with my black-eyed peas!!!! Tell hubby....I guess you guys will prosper by listening to the Black-eyed Peas.....so if you do then send my $24.99 back that I am mailing you for my twinkie diet! LOL!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR and thanks for ALL the laughs in 2008. I look for many, many more in 2009!

Charli and me said...

Nikki, if only I could follow your plan I would be one hot older chick because there is no way I am going any where in one of those thongs LOL

Nancy said...

Holy Moly Nikki, I think you've got something there, girl!LOL Weight Watchers might be in trouble...;) Blessings to you, Nancy

Darlene said...

ROFLOL....oh my that is just FUNNY!

Lo said...

I'm totally with Jane. There are snorts and snot coming out of all sorts of inappropriate places from this post! Happy New Year!!!!

Linda/ "Mom..." said...

Hi, Sweets (Ohhhh, now doesn't THAT sound like a YUMMY WORD?!?!)~~~ They say "weight problems are genetic", so I have a "built in excuse", as YOLANDA is reeeeeally my MOTHER, and she BORROWED m-y "thong" for this trip!!! (And BTW, you should NEVE, EVER show such a REALISTIC-looking PIZZA to a gal who has a PIZZA WEAKNESS a-n-d is watching her weight... go up and up and up annnnddd....... Love, Me (P.S. Yer a love~ thanks for allll the "blogging entertaianment!!!)~

Michael said...

LOL, sign me up! My resolution is to drop 30. (That was last year's resolution, too...you see where that got me, lol.)

As far as messing with people's prescriptions...no dosage changes or incorrect meds...it was more like putting the "may cause unwanted pregnancy" label on guys' antibiotics...stupid stuff like that. Seems really dumb until the one genius male customer asks if this med can really cause men to get pregnant, then you start to question all of humanity.

The Blonde Duck said...

I had to show Yolanda to Ben. It was just too good.

mbkatc230 said...

Great idea Nikki - I hope that you've applied for a patent lol. But thanks alot, now I've got that *** Barney song stuck in my head! Kathy

beth at aunties said...

O' Kay girl it looks like this is A Million Dollar Diet! It looks like all the checks are already in the mail... fantastic business move to premier your new diet program on New Years Day. You are way too funny and I love it!

We ordered our pizza tonight and I can't wait to get on those scales in the morning!

Hugs, Beth

Kristens Creations said...

LOL!!! I was eating chocolate the whole time I was reading this! Sounds like I need your book! Great post! Kristen

Braja said...

I think you're certifiable which is of course one of the reasons I love you...

Tiffany said...

OK Why on earth would somebody that big take a pic in a freaking bikini? You KNOW it'll end up on the internet. LOL

thedomesticfringe said...

lol...just what I needed to launch my diet!

I'll never be able to eat a burger again.

I propose a New Year's toast to many slim days ahead.
-FringeGirl

Laurie - Decorating Fanatic said...

Haaaaa! Well Hellooooo Nikki! Actually some of those MIGHT work!! I've never blown up a picture of my derriere & posted it on the front door but I have put a very unflattering picture of me on the refridge! ha! But even with my resolution always being to drop the pounds I put on eating all the Christmas chocolate - I have to admit I was salvating at that burger & pizza! :) you are the best! Hope you had a wonderful Christmas! Wishing you a prosperous New Year doing something else besides selling your "diet" to Yolanda! ;) Take care & keep us ROFL! ~ Laurie

Cliff said...

Now I wish I hadn't started coming here. I called my buddy Ralph in Denver and told him I ate some mashed potatoes and gravy and that I wanted to ask him if he could remember what my menstral cycle was and he hung up on me and won't return any calls. So I re-read what you wrote and I see I was to call someone I didn't like.
Ralph and I were good friends right up until I started coming here.

Shannon said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


Uh-oh... where's my spandex? I just thought about eating chocolate...

Cynthia said...

Sheer brilliance! You are so on to something with all that.

Tamara Jansen said...

Hey, do you have a diet that works in reverse for skinny chicks like me who are "under weight". Believe it or not, we do exist, and we're lookin' to gain a pound or two.......like the girl in the thing bathing suit.......she's brazilian......I can tell :)

Jan said...

YOU ARE THE BEST Nikki. I love it. You have given us all a great start because we can do this. Love it.

Tootsie said...

oh girl...this was hilarious! I love it! you make my day.

Leslie said...

OMGosh,I just laughed so hard, I snorted!!! That's great, I'm sold! Please send me a copy today!

Love you....and your craziness!!

Firefly@www.firefly-shop.org said...

LOL Love it!!! Happy New Year!!!

Sue said...

Happy New Year Nikki!! You should get "Vince" from Sham Wow to indorse this diet for you....

Tracey said...

Nikki,
How do you come up with this stuff girl?....and to think, silly me was gonna try weight watchers!
Tracey

kathy said...

Too funny! What a great sense of humor you have. I found you by way of Purple Diva, a.k.a., CJ

LadyFi said...

Hilarious! Love it!

Funnier than Weight Watchers - and more effective too!

Bo said...

Yes I do want this diet book & I also want a couple of cases of your jugs of joy juice...or whatever puts these crazy notions in your noodle dome! Love you to bits... ;-) Bo

Chris said...

I thought I had tried every diet in the universe, some of them 2 or 3 times.Now,I'm excited, this one may just work. Girl, you just ain't right...LOL

Love Ya,
Chris

French Fancy said...

That kept me grinning from start to finish - the first time I've ever laughed at the small print anywhere

mashed potatoes and cheesecake - two of my personal favourites there and they'll be given up now - I must try and lose a couple of stone by the summer. I know I'll feel better in the heat but I just love my food so much.

Isn't that model brave wearing a bikini? I could never do it - little black cossie is the nearest I'll do.

Bella Casa said...

Cute:)

Happy New Year!

Bella
PS: Now, I need a blog makeover, 2 of them, in fact, lol ;)

Coco said...

That could actually work.
I like it!

laurie said...

Nikki, I just love coming here to get my "tears in my eyes laugh"! You have such a great combination of imagination and humor. I am so glad I've reached an age where I've given up resolutions and weight loss! I don't have to send you a check so you can tell me how to humiliate myself. I'm very good at that without any help! laurie
P.S., after seeing these pictures on your blog, I had to go get a Hershey bar to eat for breakfast!

Straight to Your Hart said...

Is there a money back guarantee?? Can I purchase more than one with combined shipping???? One more to add to the bunch..better than spam..Spotted Dick in a can!Happy New Year!

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

You are a RIOT!! Stop by my blog on Thursday for a little surprise.

queenbee4 said...

Sign me up for 2!

Linda said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
hugs, Linda
PS. I cheated already!

Jamie said...

OMG, I'm sending my money now...hehe! Love the disclaimer at the bottom, you crack me up!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Nikki :-)

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Wait...stop...I said stop by on Thursday and I really meant stop by on TUESDAY. I'm losing my mind...how will I ever get back into the groove at work after two weeks off? I don't even know what day it is!!

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Wait...stop...I said stop by on Thursday and I really meant stop by on TUESDAY. I'm losing my mind...how will I ever get back into the groove at work after two weeks off? I don't even know what day it is!!

Rachael said...

I jusy said "OMG" very loudly while reading this, and my hubby came in just in time to see the "large bottomed" woman in the thong. Yes, he turned away in disgust!!
I think I will print her picture and paste it on my fridge to prevent me from eating massive quantities of my personal favorites, chips and salsa! Someone once told me I could dip veggies in salsa to save fat and calories...I told them where they could stick it!!

Happy New Year...and thanks for the HILARIOUS post!!!!!

Melissa said...

Just found you from Tammy, and now have officially added you to my reader. HELLO!!!! You are hilarious and that fact that you have a picture of a schnauz posted, won me completely over.
Looking forward to stalking you!!

Kristen said...

Yum you just cured my love of chocolate

Catherinette Singleton said...

I'm starting my diet right away!!

I'm craving some blueberry pancakes with a side of bacon. But if I eat that, I'll be forced to call and ex boyfriend and tell him how my breasts are starting to sag. Hmm...maybe I'll just have some fresh fruit instead.

dana wyzard said...

Aren't you getting sick of the latest news at 11, telling us to EAT LESS AND EXERCISE MORE, which was a paid study at the UNIVERSITY OF BIG TITS. MILLIONS have been spent yearly, for medical universities to all come to the same conclusion.

Penny said...

Nikki,
I am so glad that I found your diet.. You just don't know how much I love potatoes.
raw, mashed, fried ,boiled and baked.
I can feel guilt free now!
I am counting on my results to be as effective as the before and after, photos..
Thank you for stopping by my blog and for the nice compliments.
Your gonna be so impressed with me in a few decades.. swear

Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality said...

Nikki, you are positively hilarious, girl! That last visual pic..oh my, the cellulite on that fat girl. I can't even imagine someone going out like that, but apparently she did. You are just TOO funny! Here's to a great 2009!

Marrdy said...

Oh Nikki-How could you use my picture (the before) without my consent. I will now have to send Kyle Korver over to punish you!! So get ready, after tonights game I am sticking him on a plane and straight to you! Very funny.

bj said...

ok, Nikki girl...you are spending waaay too much time thinking of what to do for a post...and I am sure glad you are because I, like everyone, LOVE reading what you got for us next !! tee hee...you are a riot and we all love ya...
Bet Steve goes around laughing all day long.....

countrygirl3031 said...

Happy Friday Nikki! At least I can eat pizza...yumm! Guess I won't be eatin any chocolate..cuz you KNOW I can't go over to my ex's in spandex...not gonna happen..lol. Unless..I sneak it!

Hugz,
Michele

trogblog said...

So if Pizza is okay, then can't you just pile everything else you want to eat on to a piece of pizza as toppings?

By the way, that burger looks delicious.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Nikki,

Funny stuff....

Nope... not for one minute giving up pizza, I have a new pizza from Bj's that is amazing...it's Organic (so that's kinda New Yearsie right?) with feta & spinach..oh it's so g o o d !!!

I hope you and all your little crumpets have a wonderful 2009 !! It's been great getting to know you !!!

Kathy :)

Michele said...

You are hysterical! You need to have your own show! Love it, love it!

Blissful Nikki said...

lol Gosh Nikki, you sure do know how to make me roll with laughter!
P.S. please ask next time you want to use me as your "before" picture...I sent that to you in private! LOL!!!!

Mama said...

ROFL,....... not sure I need any more embarrasment at the moment (wait till those garbage men see our recycle bin OMGosh all those empty bottles, I know I'll put out a dozen each week should have them all gone by this time 2010. Now as for the food, I am sending you a check for $25+S&H. you can keep the change as I think you might just be onto something here, only wish I had thought of it first, darn it! could have bought more champers!. hugs, Kathy.
ps any chance of the address of THAT bakery, I have my butt on the front door already, now tell me where it is??.

Jen said...

Holy Heelarious! I swear, finding you is like - how do I put it - coming home? Seriously. Soooo Funny!

And I really hope to be there when my famous sister Annie Valentine wears a be-ribboned salami to church, so let me know when her money comes in...

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Twinkies are just awful, vile, horrid things to begin with! Just thinking about having one in my mouth gags me!

Seriously though, I think you've got something with this. Richard Simmons is scared. Very scared!

Raxx - A day in the life said...

Nikki we'll all be skinny because of you! I got a few pounds to lose before carnival and girl! I am so on the right track with this diet!

Sandy said...

I love Burl Ives! Happy New Year, Nikki!

beth at aunties said...

Opps... I should have read the fine print disclaimer...

The pizza made me gain another 5 pounds... in only two hours! Gee wize thanks a lot!

It ain't the Million dollar diet any more;]

Still luv ya♥

Nana said...

This is the greatest thing I have ever heard! It's worth at least
$25.00 I am teaching the lesson in R.S. this Sunday. We have a few fattie's ( including me) that need to hear this stuff. Thank You so much.

MindyLew said...

I love your diet plan - I laughed so hard I lost 10 lbs. Thank you for another wonderful smile.

AJ said...

Oh my! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little! That was one nasty picture and a great reminder to step away from the chocolate!!!
Happy New Year:)

tardevil said...

Oh no you DI-ENT!...you have unleashed that gosh-forsaken Barney song on us again! Do you know how many fat people there are in the US (I'm no exception - but I REFUSE to sing the Barney Song!)??? Next thing I know, your diet plan will be in that blogging magazine, or worse yet, since Oprah's heavy again, you'll get on her show & become her new diet guru and the whole world will be singing it (LIKE THAT OLD COKE COMMERCIAL..."I'd like to teach the world to sing...") - just to torture me! I just can't thank you ENUFF for that! LOL! :O)

mbkatc230 said...

Hi Nikki, between coming up with ideas to make me spit coffee out of my nose, stop by my blog and pick up an award! Kathy

Fragrant Liar said...

Sad to say, I have no shame. Seriously, none.

Those pictures of the fat chick with the culo con queso in a thong? That's me NOW, following your diet. The one below it is my "before" picture. I don't have the "feel guilty" gene, and all those pictures made me hungry. Very, very hungry.

So thanks a whole helluva lot, and I want a refund, plus interest. Call me, and I'll give you my account info. Heh, heh.

Happy new year and all that chit.

http://fragrantliar.blogspot.com

bernthis said...

Hilarious! Absolutely brilliant! I'm putting a thong on my head right now and then headed for the grocery store. It's worth it.

Nana said...

Hey, I thought the same thing when I found your blog. I am Too Much Information's MOL. She has been holding out on me. I told her about your blog and she's like "Oh she is so funny!" I am pretty new to the blogging scene. Tara dragged me into it. I'm glad she did. It's nice to meet ya.

Nana said...

I meant Tara is my DIL. Again new to the lingo.

Jannie said...

Oh, so my usual thong on the head and puffy sprayed bangs are maybe not so cool after all?

Angela said...

Oh my goodness! That is absolutely hilarious! I guess I'm in trouble, though. I had cheesecake last night...

Sincerely Yours said...

Hi Nikki! I want you to take my picture off here NOW!!!lol (Since seeing it the other day I haven't cheated once!!! But I'm not sending you $24.99!!!Broke after holidays you know!!! Sincerely, Jeannette

Shelia said...

There you go making me almost soil my undies again! You're such a hoot, Nikkiness! This is the diet I must follow, but I may skip the rules! Love how Yolanda lost her big ole bum bum!! lol
Thank you, dear one for you prayers and concerns for my Mother. I appreciate you so much, sweet friend,

Be a sweetie,
Shelia ;)

HappyHourSue said...

I'm pretty sure the "Alli" diet pill works on the "embarrassment" concept also - If you eat anything fatty you get the anal runs. Nice.

Happy To Be said...

Man could't have walked on the moon without Twikies girl and don't forget tang..you are to funny..thanks for your prayers for my Kyra...hugs and smiles Gloria

The Muse said...

checks in the mail sweetie..the checks in the mail...lol

WheresMyAngels said...

If I drove to where my ex husband lives in spandex their would be a riot at the prison. So you need to change that rule, or I won't by your book! lol

Anna Lefler said...

Allow me to move the (breathable cotton) crotch of this thong away from my nose and mouth long enough to say that I'm not giving up my Twinkies, sister.

Not for you or anybody else!

~ A.

mishebe said...

Actually i saw this book last night on a infocommercial, it was HALF PRICE, because Mrs. Obama has used it and wants everyone to be able to do it too.She even gave you credit for writing it. I think Oprah will be calling you.... Just don't admit you are a Repuplican ok??? lol From Your democratic blog buddy, mishelle

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! The check is in the mail...when I can stop laughing! :) OMG - I love it - especially the 'disclaimer' at the end...You RAWK!!! I think I just burned a zillion calories from laughing so hard... LOL!!!

Picket said...

Oh my word! lol Hey I'm good on the potatoes...I had myself a little ol operation when I was 37 so I don't even know what a 'cycle' is any more..and seeing as how Bill is my one & only boyfriend/husband.he's trained enough to say I look fantastic in spandex so I get the chocolate too! Yahoo! lol lol Thanks for coming by girl...we are just ready for a change..hope to get closer to my folks across the river but seriously we like to move and decorate and see how we can make a place look with all our country stuff...and I do so want a big kitchen and dining area..I am so tired of bending over to take something out of the oven & my big hiney being in my guest face while they are at the table! lol lol Have a great Sunday girl!

Anonymous said...

Jeanne's dh here, she was laughing so hard I had to see what she was looking at! Pretty funny.

We are discussing whether we should buy the book before Tuesday and prices go up after the Democrats take over. :)


Jeanne's DH

jeanne said...

Wow! it took me five minutes to get to your comment section. I am trying to write my check and I am laughing so hard My pen is shaking. I insisted my dh read this he wants to lose weight too. He just loudly said, "she has 136 comments" and I just said, "Yes dear." Thanks for the best laugh Nikki. Come over, I think you will get a few chuckles from my post today.

Love ya...Jeanne

Jill said...

wow this was funny!!!!!!! All the food shown is the food I love! Uh OH I am in trouble.!


Happy New year!

Beverly said...

Do you accept PayPal? ;-)

dana said...

I have lost my mind---I READ this wild and crazy post the other night (even sent the link to some friends) and I THOUGHT I wrote a comment, but I must've NOT!!! I'm old--and tired.

So, have you made enough money on this diet plan that you can quit your day job? ;) What fun---I can't get that big butted women out of my mind--actually, my rear is starting to get bigger the longer I blog----gads--it ain't a "good thing"!!

Thanks for your comment on my 100th post--I know you hope you win one of those swell items I have in that Pink Bag!! :) Check on my blog next Sat. for the lucky winner!! Dana

Paulette said...

Oh my gosh, Nikki, you absolutey floor me! I can't stop laughing!!

Paulette

tiburon said...

Can we work this in to the Biggest Loser somehow?!

Swirl Girl said...

When do you appear on Oprah with this diet!

Humiliation = weight loss.

I like it!

lvroftiques said...

Hahahaha!!! Hehehehehehehehe!!! ROTF!!! LMAO!!! Hiccup snort* Lol!!!!*winks* Vanna

Fifi Flowers said...

BODY BEAUTIFUL in 90 days! SOUNDS GREAT! I like the 3 day tranformation! LOL

Eve said...

Sign me up!!!

Charmingdesigns said...

I love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh while I go have a snack.Laurie

Lizzie said...

i love it! i better get my thing hat ready for my next trip to the grocery store.

you seriously come up with the craziest stuff :)

Kathi~Lavender, Lace and Thyme said...

I am ROFLOL!!!

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